NEW YORK

BY DEE SUSHI

OH NIGHT DEE-VINE

or

HOW TO GET SANTA CLAUS OUT OF YOUR FACE

Dee and Dee's boyfriend were back at Tower Records, this time on roller skates, taking turns playing "Tease the Help" and "Knock Down the People in the New Wave Section," when what to our wondering eyes should appear but a grotesque plethora of Christmas listening materials. We could scarcely contain our howls as we perused the likes of a (new?) Christmas album by Al Green called White Christmas (Dee is not making this up), and Cris Williamson's presumably lesbian Christmas album. We played a new game, and we both lost: "Who Hasn't Done a Christmas Album?" Just as Dee's boyfriend suggested that perhaps Marie Dressler had never done a Christmas album, Dee inadvertently imitated Marie's lurch at the end of Dinner at Eight when Dee's eyes alighted on a lonely copy of Mae West's Wild Christmas. Whoosh! We were home in seven minutes flat to hear her definitive versions of "Put the Loot in the Boot, Santa" and "My New Year's Resolutions" and "Santa Baby." (The latter song has a line-Just put a sable under the tree/For me"-that Dee's boyfriend has taken to muttering around the apartment. Dee won't have it. For one thing, Dee's boyfriend spits and fusses whenever he sees a man in any kind of fur coat, and for another, sable is all wrong for Dee's boyfriend's Midwestern milk-fed coloring, if you know what Dee Sushi means.) Anyway, this particular album was released in happier days on the (defunct?) "Dagonet" label. (Dee wants you to know that Dagon was the primary god of the Philistines and was half-man and half-fish.) The liner notes explain that Miss West "cocks a knowing eye on the Season to be Jolly, and caresses Christmas with the sure knowledge that Santa Claus is only a man, while Mae West-is Mae West." Oooo, baby! The music is gentle, inept rock, soft enough to go under Mae's inside asides. You can actually hear her turning the pages of the lead sheets. But Dee and Dee's boyfriend were surprised by some of Miss West's interpolative high head tones (always the same note), so we called our beloved friend and leading Mae West expert, Boyd McDonald, who explained that "Other than Maria Callas, Mae West is really the only class-A tenor in American history." He's absolutely right. Now, Dee knows you can find this record if you try. Try, because it's the perfect antidote to the inevitable syrup poisoning that occurs among adults who undergo too much Christmas propaganda. Another way to get Santa out of your face and keep him out when all else has failed is to commit nightly readings of Anne Rice's hypnotic new novel, The Vampire Lestat (Knopf!). It's one of the darkest, sickest

books ever published, guaranteed to transform every night of December into Halloween.

And wait till Dee tells you what ye olde WNET-13 has in store for its legion of homosexual viewers. On Christmas Eve at 11 p.m., they're observing what seems to have become an annual custom of presenting the incomparable A Christmas Memory, written and narrated by Capote himself, and starring Geraldine Page in the best role of her career (until the new The Trip to Bountiful, opening soon at a theater near you).

Then on Christmas Day at 10 p.m., Bells Are Ringing with the delightful (and bisexual) Judy Holliday and the obnoxious (and heterosexual) Dean ("hic") Martin. Dee has always thought that Miss Holliday makes Marilyn Monroe look like something with all-thumbs in terms of comedic skill, but Dee's tired of arguing about it. See for yourself.

On Friday, December 27, at 11:30 p.m., you get to see what some of Dee's people feel is Vanessa Redgrave's most impressive performance (which is saying a lot): Isadora, as in Duncan. Also starring is the mysterious James Fox (who virtually disappeared after Performance, hopefully in drag), and good ol' Jason Robards.

The next night at 11 p.m., Thousands Cheer as Judy Garland, Mickey Rooney, Gene Kelly, Red Skelton, Kathryn Grayson, and about six hundred other MGM bottoms on speed yeep around to devise a show for the Boys In Uniform. Mmmmm.

SUCCOR

Dee understands that some of you need it, so herewith are some religious ways of keeping Santa under control.

If you're in the Brookhaven area of Long Island, you can hit up the Old South Haven Presbyterian Church (South Country and Beaver Dam Roads) on Christmas Eve for some "eggnog and sweets" after "a service of song and story." They must want gay people to be there, because (a) it's at 11:30 at night; and (b) they sent this information to Dee Sushi. But call them at (516) 2860542 to make sure.

Those of you trapped in New Brunswick, New Jersey, should probably bake some cookies and bring them to the Friends Meeting House (109 Nichol Avenue) on Christmas Eve to feed the Lesbians and Gay Men of New Brunswick, but it says not to bring any liquor. There will, however, be "fun, good conversations, games, and the company of friends." $1 for members, $2 for non-members. 8 p.m. "sharp."

Manhattan lesbians can (wisely) celebrate Christmas on the Saturday night before (December 21) at Shescape (41 East 58th Street; 212-758-6336), where, from 9 p.m., you can "kick off" Christmas at their annual holiday party. Eggnog is their special all night, and they're having a drawing for a stereo cassette deck, plus a free holiday calendar for everyone. According to Dee's lesbian sister, this place is real great. $5 before 11 p.m., $7 thereafter.

A good idea for Brooklyners who want a gay Christmas with the Christ left in it would be to show up at the Metropolitan Community Church of Brooklyn (85 South Oxford Street at the corner of Lafayette Avenue) for their "Advent Community Worship" on Sunday, December 22. This will be followed by Christmas Caroling and

STEREO

WILD

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

PUT THE LOOT IN THE BOOT SANTA SANTA BRING MY BABY BACK TO ME WITH LOVE FROM ME TO YOU SANTA BABY

SANTA, COME UP TO SEE ME SANTA CLAUS IS BACK IN TOWN MERRY CHRISTMAS BABY

MAE

LEST

DAGONET RECORDS

DG-4

a Party. It would be a very good idea indeed to learn a few verses from Mae West's "Santa Baby" to enliven the caroling.

A great way to kill six birds with $3 and to look good while you're doing it: come to the Crafts and Health Fair, presented by the St. Mark's Lesbian Health Collective and Womanews, December 21st and 22nd, from noon to 6 p.m., which gives you three hours to get to Shescape. At the Lesbian and Gay Community Center (208 West 13th Street), you can do last-minute shopping, choosing from crafts of all types; attend health workshops ("general healthcare, nutrition, breast exam videos, incest survivors," and so forth); enjoy performances by the Lavendar Light Gospel Choir (3:30 p.m. on Saturday) and the Paris Project ensemble (3:00 on Sunday); and, best of all, a free buffet of baked goods from Bett's Best in Chelsea. The flyer that Dee got was designed by someone named Jayne Treewomyn, which is one of the better names Dee has run across this year.

To benefit the AIDS Resource Program and to have a real good time, we should all call (212) 944-8425 for tickets to Let's Misbehave, which opens December 29 at the TOMI Theater (23 West 73rd Street). John Graham, who is kind of adorable, is featured as Little Homer Kent, "a country boy who comes to New York and falls in love with a rich New York playboy in this Roaring '20s Musical Romp." The pro-

ceeds from the entire run of Let's Misbehave will go toward leasing a building to provide housing and medical care for AIDS patients.

TAILGATING

We've all known for some time that the Village Voice is on drugs, but Dee, for one, was surprised to learn that Mario Cuomo is too. There is no other explanation for some the boggled editorial staff of said of his remarks during a "luncheon" with publication-remarks that he "insisted" were on the record. Here's Mario talking to Nat Hentoff: "You want to go and whip yourself with chains and whips, God bless you. Marry a guy like you. Lock yourself up in your bedroom, don't make too much noise, because if the neighbors hear, then you're being intrusive. But if you can muffle your moans...." Turning, fork poised, to Richard Goldstein, our Governor said, among other things, "The original suggestion to me was that we close bathhouses. And the suggestion that this is a place where there is gay intercourse-for want of a better description.... How would I define a bathhouse? I would have to define it in terms of the activity I'm trying to prohibit. The activity that we're trying to prohibit, the anal intercourse, the fellatio, whatever it is, and that's not terribly relevant to me, because I